@chuuew

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

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@notacroc

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

@onion_an

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

@megsaystweet

My Uber driver was telling me “stop apply lipstick!” and “start lipstick, Miss!” because of holes in the road… not all heroes wear capes

@Steelers1972

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

@sarcasticmommy4

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

@autocorrects

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

@bigracksonly

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

@weinerdog4life

Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.

@ThisOneSayz

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

@WheelTod

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”