@chuuew

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

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@lizetagge

The closest I’ve been to murder is holding my choco-chip cookie under the milk until the bubbles stop…

@InternetHippo

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

@tarashoe

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

@Swishergirl24

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

@Donna_McCoy

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

@16bitbulbasaur

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

@kibblesmith

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

@Sheila_Mac420

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

@rickolantern

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

@Reverend_Scott

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB