ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

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The closest I’ve been to murder is holding my choco-chip cookie under the milk until the bubbles stop…


Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit


STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius


Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?


All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.


wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup


A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars


I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.


Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.


“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]