The closest I’ve been to murder is holding my choco-chip cookie under the milk until the bubbles stop…
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
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Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
“What’s your strongest trait?”
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]