me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
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[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.