Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
You Might Also Like
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
A dead goose is called a ghoost