@LoveNLunchmeat: I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It's just the only way I'm ever gonna effectively lose weight.

@TomItUp: "Objection your honor, the defense is badg-" BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can't talk. *Judge gives a respectful nod* "Case dismissed."

@Token_Geezer: It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones I had to show my contempt by grunting

@Jackiethepaper: Grandma's funeral ft. Pitbull

@KandyKoehn: me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?! dracula: [bursts out of my closet] me: did you hear that too?! dracula: yeah wtf was that?!