Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
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Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?