@jergarl: Me: OMG I'm so tired.
Ambien: Your wife would look AMAZING covered in mustard and chocolate chips.
Me: I'm on it.
A: And Cheetos.
M: K.
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@UncleDuke1969: Don't like your daughter's boyfriend? Leave this on his windshield.
@realbjdunne: SHIP DESIGNER: The Titanic is so luxurious—it has 4,057 sinks! *three months later* SHIP DESIGNER: 4,058
@antijokeapple: person: how long does it take to get there? me: 3 songs
@ArfMeasures: ME: *making tiny wigs for birds* BALD EAGLE: finally
@timdonakowski: I like to mute CNN and imagine they're arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
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