Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

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If you’re ever lost in the woods, try to find a bear to kill.

Their claws will provide four sweet breakfast pastries.


Maybe if we start the ‘Read a Book Challenge’ we can raise awareness for stupidity.


(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.


I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.


“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.


An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze


Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?


I don’t mean to sound like a tough guy but I’ve been in New York City for almost two hours and I’ve only cried like 31 times…


My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.