Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
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My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Knock Knock
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire