@JustMeTurtle

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

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@Mr_Kapowski

If you’re ever lost in the woods, try to find a bear to kill.

Their claws will provide four sweet breakfast pastries.

@Sarcasticsapien

Maybe if we start the ‘Read a Book Challenge’ we can raise awareness for stupidity.

@ClichedOut

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

@mactx85

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

@eminmien

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

@dumbbeezie

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

@glamrockgoth

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

@RobElliottComic

I don’t mean to sound like a tough guy but I’ve been in New York City for almost two hours and I’ve only cried like 31 times…

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.