Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
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Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
prepare for carbonated trouble
do horses think humans are hats
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.