Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
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*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
🤣🤣💀
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
San Francisco has too many rules
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah