Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
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Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
work smarter, not harder
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*