Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
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GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Doggies just call it style.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]