me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
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I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Unimpressed
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?