me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
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Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
the battle rages on
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.