[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
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I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!