Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
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Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
The USS B port
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”