Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
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9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
peep davidson
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.