@ThisOneSayz
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
@jonnysun
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
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@ThisOneSayz
@HansGrubertron
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
@WilliamAder
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
@Skoog
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
@Dallani
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
@treywafer
Dear white people: you stop Adam Sandler from making movies and we’ll stop Eddie Murphy.
@behindyourback
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
@murrman5
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
@OllyiConic
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
@_SingleBabyMama
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date