@jonnysun

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

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@ThisOneSayz

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

@HansGrubertron

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

@WilliamAder

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

@Dallani

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

@treywafer

Dear white people: you stop Adam Sandler from making movies and we’ll stop Eddie Murphy.

@behindyourback

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

@murrman5

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

@OllyiConic

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

@_SingleBabyMama

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date