me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

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I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.


[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no


My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”


professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah


My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.


Dear white people: you stop Adam Sandler from making movies and we’ll stop Eddie Murphy.


have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn


you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*


“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”


Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date