me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
You Might Also Like
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.