@darlingadora

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

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@MelvinofYork

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

@WhiskeySoured

If you feel like you’re going through a rough patch, just remember that it only lasts through adulthood.

@TheMichaelRock

Hell hath no fury like a white woman emailing Target after a bad shopping experience.

@shutupmikeginn

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

@Smooheed

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

@kibblesmith

Parents Then: YOU’RE GOING TO SMOKE THE WHOLE CARTON, MISTER.
Parents Today: Explain it to me again … You’re a Nazi, but on the computer?

@iwearaonesie

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

@BoogTweets

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.