Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
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Here’s an olive branch. Please choke on it.
Parents Then: YOU’RE GOING TO SMOKE THE WHOLE CARTON, MISTER.
Parents Today: Explain it to me again … You’re a Nazi, but on the computer?
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*apple falls out*
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.