Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
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Remember folks 😂
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”