Me: [On Mars] *opening a bag of chips*

My Dog: *blasts off from earth*

Me: [On Mars] *opening a bag of chips*

My Dog: *blasts off from earth*

- @Ochie2S

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*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*


I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this


Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.


waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again


Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.


Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.


I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.


Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?


In Australia, nah-yeah means yes, yeah-nah means no and nah-nah means banana.


Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.