Me: [On Mars] *opening a bag of chips*

My Dog: *blasts off from earth*

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So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma


The only appropriate response to “how are you” is the sound made by squeezing an almost empty mustard bottle.


Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend


Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.


The best part of a handshake is the knuckles. I dunno why, but the blender just brings out their richness and flavour


I went to an AA meeting

I met a lot of batteries


Me: So you’re an Atheist?
Him: Yup!
Me: So what year is it?
Him: 2015
Me: based on how years are counted after a certain birth?


My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…


[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?