@Ochie2S

Me: [On Mars] *opening a bag of chips*

My Dog: *blasts off from earth*

Me: [On Mars] *opening a bag of chips*

My Dog: *blasts off from earth*

- @Ochie2S

You Might Also Like

@TheBoydP

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

@audipenny

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

@Dawn_M_

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

@TheHyyyype

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

@erikbransteen

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

@Try2StopME

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

@mrjohndarby

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

@BoyCalledAnn

In Australia, nah-yeah means yes, yeah-nah means no and nah-nah means banana.

@_wendyb07

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.