@Ochie2S

Me: [On Mars] *opening a bag of chips*

My Dog: *blasts off from earth*

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@DarkerWillow

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

@JacobAWare

The only appropriate response to “how are you” is the sound made by squeezing an almost empty mustard bottle.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

@dmc1138

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

@TheIronSherk

The best part of a handshake is the knuckles. I dunno why, but the blender just brings out their richness and flavour

@d2BMcG

I went to an AA meeting

I met a lot of batteries

@ImaFlyontheWall

Me: So you’re an Atheist?
Him: Yup!
Me: So what year is it?
Him: 2015
Me: based on how years are counted after a certain birth?

@jaslakhmna

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

@squirrel74wkgn

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?