Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
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You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
mariah carrie
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?