Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

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I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.


I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*


[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping


A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.


Sex is cool but have you ever stood in your kitchen shovelling shredded mozzarella into your mouth straight from the bag like a goblin who’s just escaped after being held captive underground for 47 years and broken into a store that specifically only sells bags of shredded cheese


The upside to having kids is how you’re able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans


If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…


Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.


[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*