@steeve_again

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

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@impaulmccoy

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

@man_spach

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

@FredTaming

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

@Kyle_Lippert

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

@serhawke

Sex is cool but have you ever stood in your kitchen shovelling shredded mozzarella into your mouth straight from the bag like a goblin who’s just escaped after being held captive underground for 47 years and broken into a store that specifically only sells bags of shredded cheese

@Phook75

The upside to having kids is how you’re able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans

@CulturedRuffian

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

@timdonakowski

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

@TheCatWhisprer

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*