Me, on my deathbed: I wish I had complained on the internet more

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Me: I want Botox.

Husband: What for? Your forehead?



Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?


Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.


My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.


DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome


“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”


Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward

Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise

Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty


You: Wth is wrong with you?
Me: I learned to dance during the 80’s..


I just want to meet my Doppelganger so I can kidnap them to experiment with hairstyles.


[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story


14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.