[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
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At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.