ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.


[cats on a date in a fancy restaurant]
Male: I can’t decide if I want tuna or the salmon.
Female: *Slowly pushes pepper shaker off table


Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.


That awkward moment when the garbage goes out more than you.


Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store


-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-


Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk


I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.