ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
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I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
They’re called werewolves.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.