My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
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if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.