Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

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Flight to Vegas…guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.


It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.


Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds


I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.


Parents, then: Would it kill you to pick up the phone?

Parents, now: Would it kill you to put down the phone?


[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle


twitter has ruined me i was at a pumpkin carving party and everybody was talking about removing the guts from their pumpkins and i blurted out “pumpkins b like rearrange my GUTS daddy” and nobody laughed


LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend


All the single ladies
(All the single ladies)
All the single ladies
(All the single ladies)

Have cats.