@Marlebean

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

You Might Also Like

@Lama911

Flight to Vegas…guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.

@rickkondell

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

@Shenaniglenns

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

@ThanosSmiling

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

@TheAlexNevil

Parents, then: Would it kill you to pick up the phone?

Parents, now: Would it kill you to put down the phone?

@RxitWounds

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

@MattTheBrand

twitter has ruined me i was at a pumpkin carving party and everybody was talking about removing the guts from their pumpkins and i blurted out “pumpkins b like rearrange my GUTS daddy” and nobody laughed

@ibid78

LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend

@scrirc

All the single ladies
(All the single ladies)
All the single ladies
(All the single ladies)

Have cats.