Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
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doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.