Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
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Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.