Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
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Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
The photographer’s assistant
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?