Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
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I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.