Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
You Might Also Like
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone