Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
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I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
won’t smith
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.