ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
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Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?