me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
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One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”