@Gooooats

Me on the Phone: I’m going to “work” from home today.
My Boss: I heard those air quotes.

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@MaraWilson

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

@Tmoney68

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

@jonnysun

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

@IndecisiveJones

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

@wickedimproper

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

@Vodkantots

Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am?
Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and…
Cop: You’re free to go.

@Ygrene

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

@CulturedRuffian

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

@duplicitron

I heard that processed meats are just as bad for you as cigarettes so I’m walking around smoking a hot dog looking cool as hell.

@Cpt_Burnout

REALITY SHOW IDEA: Put 10 tweeters in a house with only 1 phone charger and plenty of booze.

BOOM.