me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
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I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.