ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
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Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.