Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
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[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
That was easy.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.