@DaddyJew

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

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@KattsDogma

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

@pbear79

Interviewer: What would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: I’m an AMAZING listener.

@mommajessiec

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

@Cpin42

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

@shot_of_cabo

I realized she might be too young when I asked her the time..

And she said..

“The big hand is on the….”

@XplodingUnicorn

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

@LuvPug

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

@agathagotstoned

Barring any distractions, it only takes about three months to teach a meerkat how to throw knives.

@pregnant_cat

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

@ZachWeiner

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.