French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
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Interviewer: What would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: I’m an AMAZING listener.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
Me: And motorized scooter?
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I realized she might be too young when I asked her the time..
And she said..
“The big hand is on the….”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
I moved the damn towel.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Barring any distractions, it only takes about three months to teach a meerkat how to throw knives.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.