Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
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Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
just pretend nothing happened
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair