Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
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When I’m looking for a parking spot I turn the radio down because clearly I can see better when it’s quieter…
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*