@threetimedaddy

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

You Might Also Like

@TheAlexNevil

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

@SteveInevitable

When I’m looking for a parking spot I turn the radio down because clearly I can see better when it’s quieter…

@Tommytoughstuff

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

@ElmoYouNasty

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

@omgthatspunny

The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.

@ADHDeanASL

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

@NotThatMoti

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

@KrissiBex

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

@obviousplant_

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

@vrunt

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*