Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

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In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.


I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”


If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold


Wife: Am I grotesque?

Me: No, angel cake!

Wife: Why did you call me a cake?

Me: Cake is round?

*runs *


I bet Matt McConaughey isnt aware he’s in movies. His agent drops him off & hes like “Ha-Allright..this is my life now? Cool camera broski!”


[tied up by the mafia]
any last requests?
“yes, let me go”
[still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]


Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.


Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.


*standing amidst the smouldering wreckage that once was my life

Oopsy daisy.