me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
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This girl complimented me on my lip injections and asked where I got them done and I had to tell her that I am a person of color
omg leave her alone
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
I sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when someone is going to break in and give you a cake.
I’m going green for the holidays.
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnaping?
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”
Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts