@ThugRaccoons

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

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@SardonicTart

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

@50NerdsofGrey

She said she was turned on by men who liked danger.
So he disabled his firewall.

@SortaBad

[Native Americans see ship approach]
Let’s use fake names lol
“Ha! I’ll be Running Bear,u be Crazy Horse”
lmao do u think they’ll believe us

@DanMentos

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

@Cpin42

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

@hippieswordfish

robber: give me the money! *points gun at cashier*
cashier: wait thats just a blow dryer

nervous snowman patron: please just do as he says!

@ThisOneSayz

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

@4SLars

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.