@ThugRaccoons

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

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@iwearaonesie

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

@kIarkie

This girl complimented me on my lip injections and asked where I got them done and I had to tell her that I am a person of color

@shariv67

I sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when someone is going to break in and give you a cake.

@CantWaitToNap

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

@FrazzleMyGimp

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

@roxiqt

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts