Me: Once the raptor comes we will all be in a better place.
Friend: You mean Rapture.
Me: Ha! No.
*velociraptor sounds outside*

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I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.


I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!


*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form


me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time


Boss: Project’s way behind. Suggestions? I’m willing to try anything.
Me: *raises hand*
Him: Anything but “helper monkeys”
Me: *lowers hand*


Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*



bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah


[1st ppl to go camping]
wife: what do u wanna do this week?
hubs: luxury cruise?
w: no
h: nice hotel?
w: no
h: pretend to be homeless
w: YES


[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.