@shannabanana67

Me: Once the raptor comes we will all be in a better place.
Friend: You mean Rapture.
Me: Ha! No.
*velociraptor sounds outside*

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@dinaliz2

it was hard being a teenager with the last name ???? i mean stalk one guy and you’re ????? for the next three years

@DanMentos

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

@simoncholland

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

@FabMommy29

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

@TylerFoFyler

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won’t make eye contact.

@brennadine

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

@AbbieEvansXO

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

@jus4golf

Found my first gray pubic hair. The people in line with me at the market were not nearly as impressed as I was.