Me: Once the raptor comes we will all be in a better place.
Friend: You mean Rapture.
Me: Ha! No.
*velociraptor sounds outside*

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folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah


Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”


In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!


The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.


I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.


Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions


Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.


Anyone realize Dora is always lost every episode? Why is their no Amber alert for her? Is it because she’s Mexican?