it was hard being a teenager with the last name ???? i mean stalk one guy and you’re ????? for the next three years
Me: Once the raptor comes we will all be in a better place.
Friend: You mean Rapture.
Me: Ha! No.
*velociraptor sounds outside*
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confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
You’re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won’t make eye contact.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
[Player flips table]
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Found my first gray pubic hair. The people in line with me at the market were not nearly as impressed as I was.