When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
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My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we鈥檝e been married for eleven years?
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I鈥檝e always wanted
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you鈥檇 think I鈥檓 actually made of moon.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out鈥攂ut when you get to the bathroom it鈥檚 just you and your choices
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 馃槒
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
If cats had a cellphone, you鈥檇 have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you鈥檇 have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who鈥檚 gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*