I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Me: Once the raptor comes we will all be in a better place.
Friend: You mean Rapture.
Me: Ha! No.
*velociraptor sounds outside*
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I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Boss: Project’s way behind. Suggestions? I’m willing to try anything.
Me: *raises hand*
Him: Anything but “helper monkeys”
Me: *lowers hand*
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[1st ppl to go camping]
wife: what do u wanna do this week?
hubs: luxury cruise?
h: nice hotel?
h: pretend to be homeless
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.