Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
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Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
groan^2
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’