ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
You Might Also Like
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
seems fine
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.