@suecorvette

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

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@samuel_pollen

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

@ArfMeasures

ME: *stuffs sock down my pants to impress my date*

DATE: I’m not that impressed

ME: I should have done it before you got here

@debon7

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

@McGrumpenstein

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

@AliasEleanor

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

@shanethevein

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

@Dawn_M_

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

@Juicedballs

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

@SCBamaMan

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.