me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

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European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”


ME: *stuffs sock down my pants to impress my date*

DATE: I’m not that impressed

ME: I should have done it before you got here


Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period


hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*


Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her


I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?


My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.


When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box


AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.