Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
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To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.