I’m running on two hours sleep. I can start a fight with air right now.
me: one cocaine mcflurry please
employee: u already know i can’t do that
employee: machine’s broken
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2y.o eating his lunch: “Papa’s coffee hot?”
Me: “Yeah baby it’s hot, don’t touch.”
2y.o: “Me blow on it for Papa?”
It was at this point I witnessed with horror, my 2y.o attempt to blow on my freshly made coffee, only to spit a half eaten chicken nugget straight into it..
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.