I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
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“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
how to market bottled water to dads
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
This is a sub tweet
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Put this video in the Louvre
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows