@NYC_Blonde

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

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@MmeSurly

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

@saucy_peaches

HR writing an email saying I’m a naughty girl is not an acceptable excuse to not take awareness training…

Apparently

@Sassafrantz

Being possessed would be cool because you could turn your head all the way around to say “wrong hole”

@SadieSmithRoks

You can learn a lot about a man based on how he responds to a bird pooping on him.

Also background checks and digging thru his trash.

@doublewenis

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

@JustDontBugMe

[Wedding]

Dad: it’s considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony.

Me: Yeah, I know. It’s why I’m facetiming him.

@mrtruthandsoul

My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo.

So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!

@ch000ch

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

@prufrockluvsong

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

@cervixsmash

Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank