Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

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If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.


HR writing an email saying I’m a naughty girl is not an acceptable excuse to not take awareness training…



Being possessed would be cool because you could turn your head all the way around to say “wrong hole”


You can learn a lot about a man based on how he responds to a bird pooping on him.

Also background checks and digging thru his trash.


Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.



Dad: it’s considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony.

Me: Yeah, I know. It’s why I’m facetiming him.


My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo.

So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!


i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon


me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again


Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank