Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
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some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel