I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
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it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
felt cute might bury dad later idk
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”