ME: You guys are here, right?
Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo
Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?
Me: I have kids?
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Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Cop 1: “The victim has a dozen bullet wounds to the head, Sarge”
Sarge: *Can’t remember what a dozen means*
Sarge: “Clearly suicide, bag him up”
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.