@c12h22o11balls

Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo

Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?

Me: I have kids?

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@OctopusCaveman

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

@UncleDuke1969

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

@Brampersandon_

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

@BoomBoomBetty

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

@envydatropic

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

@unmehlievable

Cop 1: “The victim has a dozen bullet wounds to the head, Sarge”

Sarge: *Can’t remember what a dozen means*

Sarge: “Clearly suicide, bag him up”

@djdarrellripley

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

@jeffporper

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.