Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
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I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Going into Monday like
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Anyone really
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago