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@mommajessiec: Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
@waydybee: Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
@okimstillhungry: Me:*typing furiously* I've bypassed the firewall and I'm hacking into the mainframe now
Arby's customer: So is my order placed or not
@Lpbinder: You haven't experienced awkward until you tickle someone who isn't ticklish.
@EJT___: Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
@duplicitron: I heard that processed meats are just as bad for you as cigarettes so I'm walking around smoking a hot dog looking cool as hell.