Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
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The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated